my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
