Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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