My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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