Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
