All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
