This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
