the new term for farting is butt boxing.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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