you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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