guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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