come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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