My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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