Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
