Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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