we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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