the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
