I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
