How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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