I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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