There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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