I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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