toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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