dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
