Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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