I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
