I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
