I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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