Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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