according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
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He called his prostate his "boner button".
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
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Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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