Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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