I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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