Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
