This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
