So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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