as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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