I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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