your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This is my gift to your gina
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
