Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
