please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
