First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
