do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
