Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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