miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
