He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
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So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
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'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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