explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
