it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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