Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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