you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The struggles of a small town man whore
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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