really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
