I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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