Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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