My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
