just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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