Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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