it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
