I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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