Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
